Queryosis

QUERYOSIS

que-ry /'kwir-e/ n. [ alt. of earlier quere, fr. L quaere, imper. of quarerer to ask] inquiry

-osis n suffix [ME. fr, L., fr. Gk -osis, fr.-o- (stem of causitive verbs in -oun) + sis] condition

queryosis--the condition, action, or process of inquiring, asking questions, or exhibiting fear that requesting agent or editor will visualize the author committing hari-kari.

Symptoms include paranoia, depression, and lack of will to live another day. Bruises may appear on author's face due to banging of forehead on keyboard, which results in impressions of said keyboard.

Condition can lead to excessive drinking (usu. gin, whiskey or high quality tequila) and imbibing of all things chocolate (including, but not excluding, choc beer, Godiva, handfuls of Nestles chocolate morsels, including eating chocolate scented lip balm as a desperate measure). Those authors lacking in any addictive personalities have been known to rearrange furniture (laughing hysterically when family members, dogs and cats trip over the new arrangement or fail to land in misplaced chair) and nail-biting. Callous disregard of said query by blow-hole--oops, blow-hard--agents can lead to author's spewing of expletives and rants. Rejection spirals aforementioned author into vicious round of paranoia and depression, thereby starting the cycle over again.

Cure: There is none. Studies have shown brief euphoria by author when agent and/or editor expresses the faintest of interest in said author's work (also known as author's blood, sweat and tears or 'baby'), but this is fleeting especially when rejection soon follows. Another burst of euphoria may happen when agent offers contract. This will exacerbate the condition by additional symptoms of brief bouts of stuttering and feverish gibber-jabber, which makes no sense at all except to the author with this condition. Alas, this vicious cycle continues when agent receives rejections from various publishing houses and mistakenly believes author can handle said rejection.

Long term effect: author tends to become moody and withdrawn, building more elaborate worlds in which to live in since humanity has obviously turned it's back upon said author. Author withdraws from society. A blank smile is plastered on her face, her hair is in disarray, as she shuffles around in pink fuzzy slippers, clutching her fuzzy snuggie (also known as a straight jacket or secret society initiation robes) about her person. Periodically, the aforementioned writer will lose her smile as a blank expression settles over her face--drooling may be involved--until her eyes glitter as if with fever and she bursts out in maniacal laughter and runs over to computer and begins to type at hyper-speed.

This is perfectly normal for said authors who have reached an equilibrium with queryosis as a new story flows from demented author's mind and is channeled through her fingers. Birth is being given to a new 'baby'.

Author is finally at peace.

Write on!